Book 1: I grabbed a spoon

Assalamualaikum.

CHAPTER 1: Grieve

1984. It was weird to be running around as if nothing was wrong while she was there, motionless, wrapped in white shroud with other family members looking sombre and sad. It was hard for a 7-year-old to grasp what was happening. Death was not in my vocabulary, far from understanding what it meant. I was nonchalant, witnessing my first death. Not a single tear was shed on that day. Everything else was blurry.

Time passes. No more smell of black coffee. No more music coming out of that turntable. No more sepat, puyu and haruan for lunch. I stopped remembering the swing and pangkin outside. Unkept house. It felt different. It was not the same. No one can take her place. No way to turn back time. You died too soon.

 Summer of 1999. Rode my bike for a chat with you. Days before I due to fly back to Manchester. Just the two of us. No one else. I am glad that I did. You passed away a few months after. Your tall slender frame, white kopiah, your parked motorcycle by the jambu tree, that sarong and baju melayu. All are a distant memory. I kept one of your baju melayu. Still wearing it till today.

 CHAPTER 2: Thinking introvert

 Self-reflecting came naturally. Thinking back, it was bliss. Perfect. How comforting it was to be in that beautiful cocoon.

 “You think too much”. I hate it when those words spewed out of her mouth.

 Sleeping was an issue in my adulthood. Whirlpool of never-ending thoughts kept me awake for hours on end. I guess it was necessary? Fathoming. Those peaceful nights. Staring at the ceiling, walls, and their faces. Oh, but I do long for some medications, to stop me from dwelling too much. Dwelling on those unnecessary things. Pity on me for making that wrong choice. I realized you do not deserve to be inside of my head. That beautiful cocoon is now long gone.

 CHAPTER 3: Up and down

 1 point. That single point woke me up. 5 moments.

 1. In a queue. Nonchalant. I saw him smile from afar. When his hand landed on my shoulder, I knew I made him proud.

 2. Annie Lennox’s No more I love yous was blasting in my ears. A reward for another job well done. That song has been part of this short life. Bringing back memories of that day.

 3. They drove all the way from Alor Setar to Taiping. Gingerly chatting. Apparently, they already knew through a phone call earlier in the day. Feeling thankful for their support and prayers.

 4. A disappointment. Ashamed. A low point in my life. I should do better. The signs were there from the very beginning. I failed them.

 5. Trying to right what was wrong. Never been more motivated in my life. 3.94, I love that number. It was all worth it. Putting on that robe was a joyous day of my life. I hope I repaid them. I hope I made them proud again.

 CHAPTER 4: Gedebe

“Gedebe”. The way she uttered that word, it stuck in my mind. She lost my respect from that day onwards. What was the reason? I was only 16 for God’s sake.

 CHAPTER 5: I grabbed a spoon

 “If you want something in this life, reach out and grab it” – Christopher McCandles

 31^st August 1994. I did not want that day to end. All I can think of was you. The clock was ticking way too fast. Hesitant to leave Kota Bharu. Trying oh so hard to catch a last glimpse of you.

 Heart pounding. I yearned to reach out to you. I summoned all the courage I had and there I was, standing right in front of you. I was met with your warmth, those gorgeous eyes and that beautiful smile. Oh gosh, what a lovely moment. My first.

 Reached out to you, I did. But sadly, I did not grab on to you. I wanted to. If only we meet for a second time, things might pan out differently. Sometimes, things won't go my way. Sometimes, my plan will fail. I tried. I am sorry, please forgive me. I was a fool. An immature fool. I am sorry. I am deeply sorry. Closure is what i seek. I hope you forgive me.

 Twenty-nine zero five nineteen seventy-seven, thank you for that memorable moment.

CHAPTER 6: Silence

 Annoyingly quiet. The air was dead. Were you there? Were you listening? What I did to deserve this kind of treatment?

 CHAPTER 7: Friend

 Our friendship drifted apart. I did not know what the turning point was. Busy with life? Money? The long distance? Was I not a good listener? Was I a bad influence? It just abruptly ended. Those long chats are what I miss the most. I can use one right now. I miss your companionship.

 Thank you for visiting me in Wigan and for being a great hostess while I was down in London. It was a pleasure knowing you, from our high school days leading up to the time when we were abroad together. You are a special person to be around with. Always wears a smile. Tell me again why you always dressed in black from head to toe. I am all ears.

 Where are you now my friend? Nobody seems to know your whereabouts. I do not know where else to search. Please, oh please get in touch with me. I will be waiting.

 CHAPTER 8: Teeth and claws

Teeth and claws. Not going to hide them anymore. Tired of compensating. Tired of understanding. Tired of yielding and relenting. You will reap what you sow. I want to be wrapped in that beautiful cocoon again. Taking off this suffocating mask. It is long overdue.

 I will not ask for forgiveness, and I will not grant you one. We are near at the ledge. Be done with it.

 If it had not been for him, it could have ended fifteen years ago in that small, suffocating room. I persevered, for him.

 Sixteen, Twelve, and Five, you are my joy. Believe me, I will do everything to keep it that way. Fight, I will. I love all of you.

 CHAPTER 9: The End

 As I close my eyes, those distant days are flashing by. I imagine this is how it will end, whirlwind of emotions. Oh God help me through this. Help me make better choices so I do not have regrets on my death bed.